Attention Span

..are you still there??? I'll make this brief. Where has our ability to concentrate on something for more than 5 minutes gone? I think it all started with the loss of the art of letter writing. Remember that ancient form of communication, where you'd actually sit and put pen to paper to catch up with friends and family. Everything now is fast, to the point and hey you never have to leave the comfort of your own home. First it was e-mailing , but why type when you can text, and then why text when you can tweet.

Its all about multi-tasking;download books onto your ipod and listen while you run, watching tv while on the treadmill, hands free cell calls while driving. We are even doing double duty while sleeping, not only getting our zzz's but burning calories and rebuilding muscle. (I'm watching the Olympics, making dinner and blogging at this very moment).

I guess it's not who dies with the most toys, its who gets the most done in the time we have.

Personally I am going to slow things down. Look for something from me in the mail.

SSSS

Super Stop & Shop Stress

I'm not part of this young tech savvy generation nor am I old. I can cut, copy and paste on my laptop and pat myself on the back when I can actually download a song onto my walkman-oops I mean i-pod. Texting has become my primary way of communicating with others. I have even gotten the time of day to stop flashing on my VCR. So as you can tell I can make my way thru the world today just fine (and hey there is always my GPS if I get lost). or Tom Tom-whoever the hell he is.

The one thing I can't get is the self check out at the grocery store. Now let me make one thing clear, I used to be the head cashier at one of these said super stores. I could scan with the best of them and was a professional when it came to bagging. I knew where every UPC code was on your overly processed food packaging. PLU's for fruits and veggies I could recite forwards and backwards. And I could spot a coupon scam artist a grocery aisle away. Don't even get me started on my ability to gather the discarded grocery carts strewn all over the parking lot!

Then along comes the Self Check Out! Yay! We shoppers rejoice! We are now in control. No more waiting for the teenager who is NOT "happy to help" as their aprons and pins claim; to painfully slide your organic cage free eggs across the scanner. Nope, no siree! We can do it ourselves! No more listening to Jane the cashier tell Barbara the bagger about last nights adventures. Or the agony of when they want to discuss your purchases. "So how do you like these 100 calorie cookies? Cause I'm doing the pb&j diet and its just not working for me as they had promised...." Oh if only I had a screaming kid in my carriage so I could block her incessant chatter and use child as a way to get this process sped up.

But now WE can do it ourselves! Just scan your card and away you go. Simple. right? There I am armed with my money saving card which never saves me anything, but I scan it anyways. Now the fun begins! Scan, beep, "Garelick Farms 2% Milk $3.99" please move item to the belt. So easy my nephew could do this! Banana's (quick PLU look-up) weight check and move to the belt.... and so on. Then there is a bit of a build up in the "bagging area" and suddenly your food is moving back towards you, not to those god awful plastic bags (that will be another blog) and the automated voice is telling you "please remove items from the belt" I run to the bagging area and start loading things into the carriage all the while my items are reverse rolling up the ramp, running back and forth a sweat is starting to break out, the voice keeps repeating herself "please remove....." I'm removing , I'm removing! SHE has no patience and then the flashing light goes on overhead and the teen in charge comes over to see what all the commotion is about.

Food is flying, I keep having to wet my fingers to get the plastic bags separated,all I can taste is the hand sanitizer they have conveniently located at the end of each aisle-can never be too careful, the bags rip when you put anything in them with a corner, my oversized purse is constantly falling off my shoulder and getting in the way (but you can't leave it in the carriage-every week you read about some poor customer getting their wallet stolen), my chic new bangs keep getting in my eyes, I keep pushing them back and now the sweat is pasting them to my forehead. The teen is eyeing me suspiciously as if I were trying to slide some lean cuisines by the all mighty scanner. Its then I see the bags of cat litter under the carriage. "um I just haven't gotten to that yet... there isn't any room on the scanner..." he continues to stare, while putting his key in and punching a bunch of #'s. Then I see Barbara the bagger coming my way... Please, NO! I have it all organized. Stuff for the fridge in one bag, cleaning supplies etc... I now find myself in the retard zone. Teen finishes scanning my food, Barbara happily opens the cheap plastic bags and deposits my milk right on top of the toilet bowl cleaner. I bend down to get the cat litter to hand to Billy to scan- the pocketbook then spills all its contents onto the floor... pennies roll away from me. I gather up my crap and hand my cash over (again showing my age- who pays with cash anymore). I curse my hairdresser as I push my carriage to the car, really who am I trying to kid with these bangs- they don't cover the crows feet.

Next time I think I'll hit the Espanol button and after scanning the food just throw it directly into the carriage.

My affair with the homeless man

His name is Melvin.

Well at least that's what his crinkled cardboard sign says. He hasn't told me differently-but then again we haven't actually spoken. We've been dating about a month now- he isn't actually aware that we are dating but we are. Our first meeting took place as I approached the traffic light- it was turning from yellow to red and there he was in the median strip. Perched on a milk crate holding up his placard. I was drawn to him, with his perfectly manicured beard and sparkly eyes peering out from beneath his hooded sweatshirt. He was visibly shaking as the temperatures were in the 20's. As the light turned green and I pulled away, I was already planning for tomorrows encounter.

Living in the northeast I have the prerequisite supplies in my little SUV. The ice scraper, my yak tracks, water-gotta keep hydrated!- usually some sort of sports goo is in the glove compartment and a snuggly fleece blanket- mine is red. I had big plans for the next days "date"; I would make a grand gesture of my feelings for him- as I pull up to the light it will be red ( a sure sign) and he will be right there and I will pass him the red blanket out my window and insist he wrap himself in it. I go on in my head with daily drops of food and drink, toothpaste and soap and other lovely tokens of my affection.

The next days commute arrives and I have the blanket folded on the passenger seat. I am approaching our intersection and "oh NO!" the light is green! All my dreams of gingerly handing him the blanket out the window as our fingers touch are literally thrown out the window. How would it look if on our 1st date I THROW things at him? What would he think of me? alas I must wait for tomorrow.

Its the day! Today is the day! I have planned my approach- I will play the traffic lights just right as I approach to ensure a red, do not go, moment! I slow down my approach, I change lanes, I am in position. I am ready! What? Where is he??? Where is his milk crate? He has left me, no "Dear Miss" letter, nothing... just an empty median. I wait, deflated, for the light to turn. I park the car.

Heading into work I see him! Up ahead, he is out front of a fast food restaurant. ( I make a mental note to discuss the nutritional choices he is making). As I get closer he turns to me, his shoulders scrunched up against the bitterly cold wind; and I wish I had the red blanket with me. We are now just steps away from meeting face to face and I am aghast to see- he is talking on a cellphone! First off - my Melvin has a cellphone? and secondly WHO is he talking to?

I broke up with him right there and then. And to think of all we were going to share! Just goes to show you - MEN -you just can't trust them!